kitchen epiphany

while doing the dishes today, or rather not doing the dishes...the dishwasher froze and then burnt on me...i had an epiphany. of course, i started calculating the cost of a new dishwasher since carlos casually diagnosed its death over the phone. i started festering, sometimes i really do miss my anti-anxiety pill. sigh.

so i'm grumbling in my head because this is a double pooper. first, i adore my dishwasher. i average 2 loads a day. i don't hand wash, that's why i have a dishwasher, see? but secondly, why did it have to break now? we have our house on the market to sell. i don't want to buy the dishwasher that i want only to have it for 3 months and leave it with the house.

i'm thinking about this and other things as well because i am female, we are multi-every-thingers ya know. i think about a conversation i had with noel last night. she is in the middle of dating. i got off the phone with her and told carlos that i was so happy to be married and to not have to ever date again. in dating, you eventually get to the point where you are tired of it. you are ready to commit and settle down with just one personality for good. it's like eating velvetta when all you want is a good quality, expensive cheese.

it then strikes me that noel and i are kinda going through the same thing right now. we are both for sale. and it sucks.

when you are for sale you are always putting your best foot forward. there is always possibility dangling out in front of you. it feels artificial to me in lots of ways. it is filled with hope, excitement, anxiety, disappointment. i mean typically, if done right you buy up every time. you don't break up with a loser and then date the same loser with varying DNA. you don't buy the same square footage or the same upgrades. you get bigger and better with each transition.

i don't know if noel is ready to purchase yet. i know she is getting there though. i know i hate advertising my home, i dislike it being spotlessly clean. that certainly isn't the real me.

but there are definite perks to being on the market. for example, i've gotten some lingering projects finished up and out of the way. i've thrown away a lot of garbage that was just taking up space and of no use. i guess noel's doing the same thing. we all carry experience and opinions from previous relationships. but dating gives us the chance to clean house, wipe out the cobwebs, and buy new things.

i wish the best to my little noel and myself in our selling efforts.

beloved

so i basically totally crush on cristian 24/7. he's ridiculously handsome, but more importantly...he is just like his father. hence, the ongoing crush. for reals, he is the sweetest, gentlest boy. even though he fights it sometimes, he still hugs and kisses me. i lurve it.

so yesterday i was squishing on him and then kissing on him. i asked him if he knew that i loved him. he replied in the affirmative. "and do you love me back?"

"mom, who wouldn't love you?"

I know. kill me right? (insert sugary sigh here)

as a sidenote...i miss this little creature more than i can verbally express. he was such a bright spot in our family

the glory of yellow

mason's 6th birthday - yikes - my baby boy is getting so big. we had a friend in our ward make his cake for the event and she did a stellar job.
we had the usual ya know - friends, cake, pinata, and slip-n-slide. i relish simplicity

mace got two small, inexpensive gifts from mom and dad and was totally thrilled with them. i really enjoy the simple pleasures and glad that he does too.

oh happy day our little mace. we adore you!!

feminine charms

so i am seeing my crazy which doctor. she and i have several goals we are working towards. most of them i agree with except becoming a vegan like her. no thanks. we are weaning me off my antidepressant. we are bringing hormone levels within normal ranges...

well, over the past several months we have worked on raising my serotonin level. mission accomplished. her favorite phrase to tell me with every conversation is this, "90% of the serotonin in your body is found in your digestive tract." i've come to accept this as a fact, even though i haven't done an ounce of research to prove it.

so serotonin is good now. we must now work on dopamine. we switch pills around, eliminate some, add others - poof! a whole new cocktail is born. so i start this and about day 2 diarrhea hits. um, this poop condition rarely hits me. i'm always way on the other side of the poop spectrum. so i think i've caught a bug. by day 3 i realize it's my new cocktail. and then my boobs hurt tremendously.

i call the witch doctor. she tells me this is a side effect of coming off the antidepressant and my new meds. then i get the monthly visit. and this month happens to be gory.

so we go out to dinner tonight. my boobs hurt, i'm crampy, bloated, my intestines are twisting themselves in knots. basically from the belly button to my upper thighs...waging war on my body. it wasn't pretty.

we are wrapping up dinner at the restaurant when my intestines signal their hello. um, know this - i DON'T poop in public bathrooms. i poop in the great outdoors before i use a nasty public toilet "cleaned" by an ex-con with hepatitis. so my drive home is painful. i'm sweating from sheer will and concentration. we get home, the urge has momentarily subsided. i'm bringing stuff in from the car. all the kids have disappeared (not unusual).

and then....it hits. the urge is back. it's that way because your body knows you are home. in your own personal safe haven, my clean throne, toilet paper that i like, perfect ambiance, etc. i go the guest bathroom - taken, by mason. i head to my bathroom where i hear the shower running. taken, by cora. oh well, she'll have to bathe in my stinkiness - she does it to me at least once a week. i enter - she is pooping on my toilet. i briskly walk to the kid bathroom. the door is locked. i pound on it. cristian responds. what are you doing i yell? i need the bathroom NOW! he's pooping. oh my gosh, it's getting really bad. i start to panic. i gingerly descend the stairs. one false step and it could all be over. i pound on the guest bathroom. mason, what are you doing? are you pooping?! of course he is! oh my helena! i am writhing in pain and determination. my intestines are going to burst. my uterus is screaming in twisting agony. WHY DOES EVERYONE HAVE TO POOH AT THE SAME TIME!! Carlos is laughing almost hysterically the whole time. i feel like squatting on his side of the bed and letting go. not. nice. hubby.

needless to say, sweet mason did his business as fast as he could. he even washed his hands in the kitchen to streamline his time.

i. about. died.

4th Time Charm?

Today was the first day of the school year. To say that I was giddy would be putting it mildly. Even though I had Perry and foster baby Ty for most of the day I was pumped!! I was actually yelling in glee at Carlos. He chuckled and reminded me to take it easy or I might make myself pee. That's love for ya.

First item of business... take Pear to the doctor to get one shot. Her school starts at noon so we were making good time. We wait, get 3 shots because I failed to take her to her 4 year physical (nice) and zip off to school. I head to the nurse's office, proudly hand her our shot record, & wait for school to begin. The nurse returns 10 minutes later to tell me that we missed the ONE shot we went to the doctor for in the first place. I smiled sweetly. Which is freak'n amazing because I'm on my period AND I've decreased my antidepressant all in one week. Insane combination as poor Carlos has been the brunt off. Oh yeah, and we are taking shifts all night with the newborn. I think I'm handling it fairly well.

So my poor Pear-Pear. She was such a trooper with her 3 shots. She didn't cry. I even suggested she not look while she was punctured but she stared at each needle and said, "I'm doing really good to not move!" Of course she didn't cry, she is my toughest child. But then I had to tell her this afternoon that we have to go back to the doctor again tomorrow to get one more shot.

She was so darling this afternoon when I picked her up from school. Her face was all lit up, sweaty but lit up. She climbed into the car all excited to be with us and tell us her events. She said, "I was a really good girl at school today and had fun, but then my legs started to hurt."

I gave her the largest dose of Motrin that I could. My poor little darl'n.

Here we go for round two tomorrow!

My husband has lost his intellectual edge as of late. He's becoming forgetful, absent-minded, oblivious. How does this relate to the wood filler you ask? Well, it's like this. We are currently doing some projects around the house. This has placed Carlos at Home Depot several times. His visits have resulted in 3 individual purchases of wood fillers. At least he has a permanent affinity to Elmer's products each time. Alzheimer's here we come.

Noel's first piece of furniture. Thank you Craig's List.

love note

sometimes i leave little love notes for carlos in his car. i find this one particularly sentimental, don't you?

on bella

can i just say that i am really enjoying bella these days. she has hit this phase of development that has made me stop and realize i am not raising a child, i am raising a person. i know that's not so profound but it is for me. she has such adult mannerisms, opinions, likes, & thoughts that make her so individualistic to me. all my kids are this way of course, but cora is like her auntie shay. always ahead of the game, a quick learner, a marrow sucker, she wants it all and she wants to experience it now.

my favorites with her right now are how feminine she is. she has this girl thang down! mason has been on this "manly, man" kick as of late. he'll point out what a manly man would or wouldn't do. you know, testocerone at its finest type stuff. he pointed something out that cora did and told her that's how a manly man would do it. she replied, "but i don't want to be a manly man, i want to be a womanly woman." that would be cora. she loves to color coordinate her outfits, she loves to accessories with bows, jewelry, and purses. she is a shoe pig. she has the most shoes in the family and she always wants more. she has this pout that she's recently developed and she uses it in perfect female cue for maximum results. she'll turn her thin little lips into a tight heart-shaped pout. i've told her boyfriends and husband will be powerless to it. it works great on daddy.

she is fun, sassy, sweet, sensitive, pouty, dramatic - all things girl. oh, how i love her.

the erekson

a quilt that i began at least a year ago. yikes & ridiculousness. it has a nice swirl pattern to it, pretty traditional. i enjoy the color combination with this one. i saw this pattern in a quilt shop and really liked it. it is simple, clean, boldish. i'm sure i'll do this pattern again.
here she is all laid out. this is a thank-you of sorts to mike and sharon. they so very generously G-A-V-E us an office furniture set when they got new furniture. they are glorious peeps.

dearest husband,

thank you for introducing me to your fat-boys. i had no idea that they even existed let alone fit me. you are truly kind to share with your super-sized wife. you do know that i will be forever "borrowing" them now right?

kisses,

tu vida

the owen

welcome to white trash quilting folks! i am doing a couple of these to just get a few quilts checked off my mental list. i really am such a ridiculous procrastinator. this is for my nephew, now age 3. it is bright and crazy - perfect for a toddler.

this is the back side of the blanket. it is fabric that i bought foreva ago at ikea to make curtains and pillows. another project never gotten too. what's that saying, "the pathway to hell is paved with what...?"

if you look carefully you can see the quilt pattern. i had it done in elephants. too cute in my mere opinion. i hope my nephew enjoys cuddling with this blanket. it was made with love, albeit white-trash love!

the sleep diva

really? how cute is my daughter with her sunglasses dangling off her nose? she fell asleep on the long drive home from arkansas & was too cute to pass up. these are by far my favorite pair of glasses she's ever owned. soooo sassy!

s.w.a.k.

a huge thank you and warm fuzzies to everyone who has called or asked us about out departure of little hayden. family and friends have been so amazing to us. your concern and kindnesses (?) are so, so appreciated. we are slowly doing better. i dreamt of my little blondie this morning and we are all looking around corners trying to find hayden only to realize...but, time does heal, right?

we are off on a vacation. the arkansas air will do us all good!

Kids Camera

We've been letting the kids use our old camera to take pictures around the house of whatever they want. After a couple of weeks, here's a sampling of what the memory card yielded.

We might actually save some of these pictures. Maybe a couple.

dear houston c.p.s.,

tonight i would like you to have a big turd land smack in your eyeballs.

i would love to thank you for the endless tears and wailing that you have given us this evening, even up until 10:49 p.m. cora and cristian appreciate your selfless generosity in allowing them to explore a whole new repertoire of emotions.

can you please forward your claims department address? i need to know where to have their therapy bills reimbursed at.

your obedient servants,

carlos & jen cruz

bleeding

CPS informed us today that our little sweet Hayden is being taken from us tomorrow. He is being placed in another foster home in Houston so he can be near his biological mother. People always ask me how we can do foster care. This moment in time is the reason why so many people veer away from it.

I'm not going to lying to you. This always hurts. You feel torn, hurt, rejected, dejected, angry, sad, hopeful, grief - you feel it all. Hayden has been extra special to our whole family. I don't know the reason why he has except that he is just an amazingly special child.

But what endears me to the human spirit is our ability to regenerate ourselves. A piece of my heart is being ripped out. I'll miss and worry over Hayden for a good while. A then another sweet little spirit will be dropped off on our doorstep. And we will pour all our love and efforts into that child. Because I have learned something these past few years fostering...

It's not about me.

Yes, I hurt and ache. I want Hayden to stay here. We all want him officially adopted into our family. But there are many things we have no control over. And while Hayden, or Jose, or Miguel, or Naila, or Sara, or Christavia, or Evie, or Lily, or Gary, or Natalie, or Terence, or Perry, or Mace are with us they are loved. It's not about me. It's all about them.

We love you Hayden. You'll always be our pickle.

okay shay

here's a little number we bought off of craig's list ($100 i think). it was in great shape, except i wasn't fond of the color and HATED the wood diamonds on the front. those were taken off and smoothed down.

we obviously painted her over and put on new hardware. thank you hobby lobby. she feels very beachish to me and i love the pop of color she adds to my very brown house.

i stained the edges with a walnut-colored stain, but then lost interest in it all. so the bottom half of the unit isn't even done. how ghetto is that? if you wait and live with it long enough you simply forget about it. you should try it.

Soap Box

Okay, look you stupid Mormon moms, I have a serious bone to pick with you. Why are you putting your daughters, regardless of how young they are, in two-piece swim suits? Have we not all been told about modesty especially bikinis since the beginning of time? What is your deal?

Let me guess...

She is just so cute in it. You can't resist!
She isn't being immodest, she is just a little girl.
You'll stop the behavior when she gets older & when it really matters.
There's no harm in it.
You're pleased she can wear one because your glory days are over
You think sexualizing your daughter is awesome.

Um, for starters she'll have photographic evidence of how you dressed her. My huge thing with parenting and how I parent my kids is don't give in to something that I'm not willing to always give in too. I can't pick and choose with my kids when I want to follow a rule or a commandment. It makes for very confused and manipulative kids and piece of crap parenting. I either completely disregard a principle or never bend on it.

Women, grow a backbone. Are you in or out of this religion? Why would you dress up your daughter(s) in provocative, sexualized clothing especially when you have a living prophet telling you the polar opposite? I don't get it.

On awful thought that keeps me especially motivated on this topic is something I have zero control over. The thoughts of other people in public. It disgusts me to think of sick men or boys starring at my daughters because their attire solicit the look. You don't know what kind of people are in public and what they are thinking as they watch your child. I wouldn't put my 5 year old daughter in a triangle bikini top to help stimulate his imagination.

Follow the prophet and cover your girls up. Please.