kitchen epiphany

while doing the dishes today, or rather not doing the dishes...the dishwasher froze and then burnt on me...i had an epiphany. of course, i started calculating the cost of a new dishwasher since carlos casually diagnosed its death over the phone. i started festering, sometimes i really do miss my anti-anxiety pill. sigh.

so i'm grumbling in my head because this is a double pooper. first, i adore my dishwasher. i average 2 loads a day. i don't hand wash, that's why i have a dishwasher, see? but secondly, why did it have to break now? we have our house on the market to sell. i don't want to buy the dishwasher that i want only to have it for 3 months and leave it with the house.

i'm thinking about this and other things as well because i am female, we are multi-every-thingers ya know. i think about a conversation i had with noel last night. she is in the middle of dating. i got off the phone with her and told carlos that i was so happy to be married and to not have to ever date again. in dating, you eventually get to the point where you are tired of it. you are ready to commit and settle down with just one personality for good. it's like eating velvetta when all you want is a good quality, expensive cheese.

it then strikes me that noel and i are kinda going through the same thing right now. we are both for sale. and it sucks.

when you are for sale you are always putting your best foot forward. there is always possibility dangling out in front of you. it feels artificial to me in lots of ways. it is filled with hope, excitement, anxiety, disappointment. i mean typically, if done right you buy up every time. you don't break up with a loser and then date the same loser with varying DNA. you don't buy the same square footage or the same upgrades. you get bigger and better with each transition.

i don't know if noel is ready to purchase yet. i know she is getting there though. i know i hate advertising my home, i dislike it being spotlessly clean. that certainly isn't the real me.

but there are definite perks to being on the market. for example, i've gotten some lingering projects finished up and out of the way. i've thrown away a lot of garbage that was just taking up space and of no use. i guess noel's doing the same thing. we all carry experience and opinions from previous relationships. but dating gives us the chance to clean house, wipe out the cobwebs, and buy new things.

i wish the best to my little noel and myself in our selling efforts.