...On Testosterone

Okay, guys I finally "get" it. My latest passion is for professional ice hockey. Oh goodness do I love the violence. The game is so fast-paced, the players all have attitudes...girls, you are not allowed to date/marry a hockey player. Definitely anger-management issues. But to watch...I adore it! It's great watching the players slam each other up against the glass walls, hearing the resonating thud...ah, love it!

So Carlos took me to another game the other night. Our previous one we took all the kids so our attention was very divided. This was nice though to just be with each other. Carlos was sporadically trash talk'n the players. We cheered for each point earned. But this was a date right? I kept snuggling up to Paco, getting cozy with my violent view. At one point he told me I was crowding him. I looked around. There were tons of families or couples enjoying the sport. Lots of them were dropping fowl words here and there while enjoying their frothy beers. This was a man's domain. And I was lov'n it. Finally, a sport that Paco and I could both enjoy together. We reached a pivotal plateau in our marriage!

So I know that Paco enjoyed the game with me, but I realized it wasn't like watching the game with his brother. I tried to back off the the physical cuddling and enjoy the violence. Which I did, mind you.

It reminded me of Mark's funeral. We were given V.I.P treatment by the military the entire weekend. Mark's fellow "brothers" stuck to us all like glue, taking care of our every need. Even anticipating our needs before they arose. One morning they invited my brothers to a training facility so they could watch them "clear" a house and get a sense of what they did on a daily basis. They made the mistake of extending this invite while the sisters were present.

Shay and I totally wanted to go. There was polite hesitation and reluctant consent. We were jazzed. That evening at our hotel dad delicately brought the matter up. He was very careful with his words and his tone. He knows what a time-bomb I can be. He pointed out that this demonstration was just for the guys only. I told him that they said we could come. Further explaining...this was painful for dad. He was really trying so hard with me.

He went on to say that this was just a male-thing. It was something that the guys understood and partook of and that it wasn't a place for Shay and I. I was dejected. Shay, Noel, and I didn't end up going. I was upset. I think my grief and wanting to be a part of Mark's life clouded the situation. My 3 brothers went and came back with stars in their eyes, dazed, and drunk with admiration. Dang it!!

But at our hockey game it reminded me of Virginia. There are some things intended only for men. It's their core identity as protectors, providers. Men have a baseness, a coarseness that has to be fulfilled as part of who they are. It's like women and gossip I guess.

This epiphany certainly won't keep me away from the rink. Oh mama, do I love ice hockey, but maybe I won't snuggle my husband AS MUCH to let his testosterone do it's thing.